So before I start this review I need you all to know just how much I love otters. They’re usually the first things I go to see at the zoo. I have pictures of them on my desktop instead of my family, I’ve drawn, animated, and voiced cartoons of them. With all of that said, I was excited to see an otter game get released on the Switch, even though I was afraid of how it’d turn out and I honestly want every game I play to be great. I also want you to know that this game randomly deleted my save data when I had played through it all and unlocked all the characters, forcing me to start over from scratch. So I am quite done playing this otter turd pile of a game.

So, I don’t even know where to start with it. I can get over not-spectacular graphics or a lack of sound but if the core gameplay is crap then it all falls apart for me. Otterman Empire is a 3rd person…I guess I’ll call it shooter even though you rarely have to use a gun…set in some world where the evil cyborg otter named Tiko has decided to declare war on the Otterman Empire, and the rest of the otters are there to stop him. No idea why. The graphics are somewhere between a PS2 and PS3 game and honestly I don’t even care that much compared to everything else. The game has 8 levels separated into 3 sub-levels you need to get 1 to 3 stars in before being able to advance to the next level. Each sub-level is introduced with a simple diagram of what you’re supposed to do. It’s a little like those blueprints Wily Coyote would have at the beginning of the cartoons showing how he’d get the road runner.

The trailer is a little deceiving because with all the jetpacking around and shooting, you think you’re going to play something that has a lot of shooting in it, like Plants vs Zombies, or something crazy like ScreenCheat. But the sad fact is that you’re going to spend most of your time doing things like dunking bombs into hoops, dodging through hoops, standing next to robots so they’ll charge up and then disappear unexpectedly, and a few other things.

You’ll basically encounter the same 3 enemies in each level. There’s flying robots that shoot you with a laser that slows you down but doesn’t damage you for some reason. Some gun turrets that don’t notice you until you attack them or get within a couple feet of them, and also these rolling tanks that are on a set path and reminded me of crappier versions of the tanks in TRON or Vindicators. Getting killed means you wait 3 seconds and respawn. Also there’s little music, and there’s no voices or grunts or ottery squeaks or anything. The only voice is from Tiko who does the same evil laugh and that’s it.

So as you progress you get more characters and gear unlocked. It’s all cosmetic gear, like little hats and alternate outfits, things like that. You’ll unlock more otters, a turtle, a crocodile that looks a little too much like King K. Rool, and this one really frightening otter that looks like he was in jail for like 10 years and did nothing but lift weights and dream about getting even with the guy who put him there. They have different weapons and special abilities, but again it just doesn’t matter much when you rarely have to shoot anything.

One big problem I had with the controls is that you can’t aim. Most 3rd person shooters now will let you hit a shoulder or trigger button to aim and with this one, your only way to aim is to use the right analog and that’s it. It was really disappointing.

See the levels are on such a short timer that you’re going to spend all your time dodging and dashing toward whatever your objective is, otherwise you won’t get the 3 stars you need to unlock the next area. The game’s star requirements for each major area are going to eventually require you get 3 stars in almost every level, and I promise that this is so boring and somehow also frustrating that you won’t want to play a level more than once. Almost every time I got 3 stars in a level I was happy I’d never have to play it again. Also in the event you get all 3 stars early on in a level, you don’t really “win”. The level doesn’t end. So if you have more time on the clock, you basically just sit there and wait for it to run down and finish since there’s no incentive to keep trying to score. This is not satisfying.

The game also comes with local multiplayer with up to 4 players. Honestly it’s the only thing that has the potential to be fun in this game and it’s because multiplayer is usually as fun as the friends you’re playing with. Or enemies. Some of you hate your friends and that’s a valid lifestyle choice. Anyway this is the closest you’ll get to a deathmatch – basically it’s your choice of either a free-for-all deathmatch or you can do the oh-so-fun objectives from campaign mode. No modifiers either, the whole thing is pretty bare bones.

The controls are a little too sensitive as well. You’ll use your jetpack a lot and simply holding down the B button will send them shooting into the sky, completely overshooting your destination. The dodge mechanic also sends you flying forward, at times almost the length of the entire level, further negating the use of your guns because anything that was chasing you will have a long way to catch up, and you’ll be long gone again by then. One big problem I had with the controls is that you can’t aim. Most 3rd person shooters now will let you hit a shoulder or trigger button to aim and with this one, your only way to aim is to use the right analog and that’s it. It was really disappointing.

So did I like anything about it? I thought the otters, were decently designed and animated. The game has a good foundation, the developers just needed to take advantage of the shooting part and at least do like a team deathmatch for local multiplayer or even against the computer – something to give players a break from the objective-based games.

Ultimately this is a game I just wanted better from. Better controls, better variety in modes and game types, not deleting all my shit after I play through the whole thing. The lack of sounds or emotions from the characters along with the lack of anything that makes each level feel alive makes the game feel really empty and lifeless also. Needless to say I did not get my money’s worth out of this title and at $25 at launch it feels like a stretch to say it’s worth picking up at half that when it inevitably goes on sale. Once again I hate giving this review because I really want anything with otters to be really great.