Pretty Damn Terrible…but fun?

So in my search for bad games, I came across Road Rage, an arcade style racer that was supposed to be… sort of like a revival of the old racing and brawler hybrids like Road Rash.

In theory this’ll be pretty fun – you have your bikers hitting each other with chains and they all have bad haircuts and helmets with spikes and sweet denim vests that they paid a lot of money to have made but still look and smell like they bought them from a flea market in Daytona during Bike Week.

But, in theory, communism works too, and like that, this game did not stick the landing. Though at least hundreds of millions of people didn’t die from Road Rage being released, so there’s that. At least not that I’m aware of.

So the story goes that in the city of Ashen, everything was great and vibrant and people were all happy. Then some war breaks out between the citizens and the Multi-Nationals and then authorities decide to construct walls to separate each of the districts. The districts are now run by biker gangs who basically do whatever they want, and it’s anarchy. At first I thought this game took place in Portland during the summer of 2020, but clearly that’s my mistake. The funny thing about this is that they make the story out to take place in this dystopia, but then there’s still pedestrians and commuters out. If everybody’s fighting for survival, then why are they taking leisurely strolls? Though ironically they’re not wearing face masks, so I’m a little jealous of that.

Who you play as doesn’t really matter that much because you’ll unlock multiple characters to play as and they’re interchangeable. It’s open world and takes on a bit of a Grand Theft Auto type of progression where you’re going to be doing things for various faction leaders that starts you in Subtroit, described as the worst district, then to others like Chitaly and Downtown. Have fun telling the difference, though, because most of these areas look the same and have similarly washed out colors and early generation PS3 graphics.

Make no mistake though – when I say “doing things”, it’s just some kind of racing. You’ll race to clear checkpoints, do stunts like wheelies or nearly missing other cars, avoid cops, and race while smacking other riders with a weapon to get to the finish line. The racing is pretty basic and borders on bland at times because you do feel like you’re doing the same thing over and over.

Some of the races have a requirement, like having so many upgrades on your bike, or using a specific bike, or in a twist I didn’t see coming, they wanted you to have no upgrades on a bike in one of the story based races. I couldn’t help but wonder if you upgraded all your bikes available and then couldn’t get access to the race, could you get any further in the game? I didn’t see a way to undo upgrades so I have no idea.

There are hidden collectibles if you want to go exploring, like this one here I found at an adult theater where they misspelled the word “sex”.

Speaking of upgrades, you do get to customize and upgrade your bike with the money you get from racing, and as you get through the game you’ll unlock new riders that range from generic bikers and story characters to old people in Mr Rogers sweaters to various skanks whose bikes likely need to be bleached or consecrated after they’re done sitting on them. You’ll also unlock new bikes, and new weapons, like selfie sticks or battle axes, or swords.

The music in this changes pretty frequently and you’ll hear songs ranging from generic speed metal, to generic alt-rock, to generic electronic music, to generic emo music that sounds like something Sunny Day Real Estate wrote back in the early 90’s. It’s all pretty forgettable but not really offensive to the ears. Honestly I’d take his over the licensed garbage EA makes you listen to while you’re playing Need for Speed. Pulling up the map completely stops all sound in the game and it becomes eerily quiet, and then when you back out of it, the cheese starts all over again.

There’s not much in the way of actual sound fx. You’ll hear some bike engines that don’t seem nearly as loud and obnoxious as real ones. The sound of the nitrous oxide you hit to get a speed boost is underwhelming as it sounds a lot like an old, tired fart that was released from an elderly person who just doesn’t care anymore.

In between races you’ll be treated to conversations between characters that set up the next story race. They’re made to look like text messages, but they’re fully voiced – badly, I might add – and they always appear to be on 3-way calling. Swear words are starred out in the text messages, but then the actors still said them out loud, which tickled me. Finishing a non-story race will get you another phone call, with a total repeat of the dialogue setting up the next story race all over again. And this happens every time. Also no matter who you play as, the dialogue doesn’t change. It’s just a different actor reading the same lines.

So now that I’ve covered the actual game, I want to cover what’s easily my favorite part of this entire thing: the bugs. This game has so many technical problems that are not game-breaking, but are hilarious to see in action.

First – the physics in this are terrible. If you’ve played Goat Simulator, they remind me a lot of that. Getting hit by cars or other riders got me bounced pretty high in the air. Other times I’d drive slowly into a car and we’d both explode. A few times I drove into a wall and passed through it to fall straight through the game. I’d also pass through a lot of the objects normally, like if you’re worried about hitting light poles or pedestrians while driving, you’ll actually just go right through them. After awhile, half the fun of the races are seeing just what is going to happen when you touch something.

Also while racing, you’ll realize that the AI of the other riders and the police are borderline retarded and will wipe out as often as you do. The controls in this are way too sensitive at times for me; I don’t know what their excuse is. Riders will hit walls, bump into cars, and I don’t even know what to say about the cops. When you’re playing one of these escape missions and you have to avoid the cops for a full 30 seconds to win, you just have to casually drive somewhere they’re not at and sit for awhile, and they’ll never find you. If they do find you, they’ll come barreling toward you, miss, then you can just go about your business. It’s like the AI is controlled by the Springfield police. Also I found that you can simply avoid the cops by wiping out, and you’ll respawn a block away and they don’t know how to find you afterward. If for some reason you do get busted, you’ll respawn at the police station without any penalty.

The phone you use looks like one that belongs to a parent…all cracked and dinged up. And when you hit the touch pad on the dualshock 4 it’ll bring up the map, and you’ll ge to see just how small this game’s world is. Like I think the neighborhood I live in might actually be larger. There are hidden collectibles if you want to go exploring, like this one here I found at an adult theater where they misspelled the word “sex”. I’d laugh but then my name is only 2 letters and I meet people who make more money than me who still misspell it. Thanks, public schools.

So to summarize this masterpiece, Road Rage is a pretty accurate Tampa Florida driving simulator that is a glitchy mess with bad voice acting, sub-par graphics, dull racing, and a dull story. A game like this should’ve irritated me, but instead I found myself laughing so much at it that I actually enjoyed myself. If you find it for really cheap, honestly you should consider getting it if you want a good laugh. It’s still better than Bubsy: The Woolies Strike Back, which is an actual bad game.